I love you, Kakkarot
by crazymonster
Summary: Vegeta loves Goku, but will the feelings be returned? Find out in this crackfic. Vegeta bashing, not reccomended for the Vegeta fans.
1. A Forbidden Love

Me: Ok well, I've read alot of Goku x Vegeta fics, and ... that's why I wanted to write about this pairing. XD This fic isn't meant to be serious. I just wanted to have fun. I REALLY wanted to wait until I finished watching the whole series before writing a fic, but I got too impatient. (I'm watching the still not finished english dub of DBZ kai, and refuse to simply watch the jap or original DBZ.)

Warnings: Vegeta bashing, other character bashing, randomness, yaoi, swearing, OOCness, sexual stuff, etc.

Disclaimer: Dragonball Z and its characters belong to Akira Toriyama.

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><p>It was late at night. Vegeta lie there in his bed, awake, staring at the ceiling. Guess what he was thinking about.<p>

"Kakkarot..." he whispered softly, reaching under his covers and touching himself.

It was true; the Prince was indeed attracted to Goku, though he made sure not to openly show it so he'd never have to deal with rejection (the coward). It was Vegeta's fantasy for Goku to seme him, 'cause he was alot stronger, taller, and bigger than him. Sometimes he acted like he was stupider than Vegeta, but that was just a front! Believe it!

Anyway, Vegeta hadn't masturbated for awhile now, and tonight no one was going to ruin it for him. He was taking off his gloves so he could use his hands better when suddenly, there was a loud bang, the sound of the door hitting the wall at being opened with such force. Vegeta whipped his head around to see her.

"Vegeta!"

It was none other than Bulma the Bitch herself, with her retarded blue hair dye that looked like it came straight out of MS paint.

"Oh my god, Vegeta," she bitched. "In case you haven't figured it out yet, I can hear whenever you when you say his name at night." Vegeta's jaw dropped at this. "And I know what you're obviously doing!"

Vegeta was shocked to say the least. She just came in without any warning! He didn't know who what where why when or how...he didn't know anything. He moved his mouth but no words sounded. He tried thinking up an excuse.

Then it hit him...an idea. Not Bulma's fist. Bulma's fist didn't hit him yet.

"Hmph, what are you on, woman? Crack?" He said, sounding confident. "_His _name? Whose?" He smirked. "Were you referring to Kakkarot?"

Bulma made the wise decision to just ignore him.

"If you like him so much," Bulmoose suggested,"why not just tell him? I'm pretty damn sick of you, and I'm pretty sure he's had his fill of ChiChi, too."

Vegeta continued to babble on, thinking he could fool Bulma. "I was simply _telepathically communicating _with him, something we Saiyans, with all our strength, are capable of doing."

"Now that I think about it," she thoughtfully said, putting a finger to her chin while looking up, "I remember Goku telling me he's had his eye on a short midget man. I always thought he was talking about Krillin, though."

Vegeta added, "And we were discussing a place to spar tomorrow, that's all. I just slip sometimes and say his name out loud when I mean to say it in my head." After he said all this, he turned his head to the side and spat on the floor, similar to that time on Namek when he spit after Goku got mad at him for killing the Ginyu Force. Maybe he thought spitting made him look tough. Then he spat, "You humans, always jumping to conclusions!"

Now he had done it. Folding her arms and squinting her eyes, Bulma stared at him with the _I-see-what-you-did-there _look. The _all-knowing _look. The look that meant you were caught. She srutinized him over with the look once, then once again to make Vegeta realize just how stupid he sounded right now. This caused Vegeta to start panicking.

She unfolded her arms and was about to go back to bed-

_She doesn't believe me!_

He quickly got out of his bed without even pulling his trousers back up. Bulma stared on unimpressed.

In a last ditch effort, Vegeta had resorted to performing a pathetic dance. He waved his muscular arms around frantically and spinned around and around. One could even call it spazzing instead of dancing. It was quite a display for anyone who had always thought Vegeta to be in control and cool.

"Hah! Hah!" the Saiyan Prince exhaled. "You see! Well, woman? What now! Still don't believe me?" When Bulma didn't seem to respond much to this distraction, Vegeta knew exactly what he had to do. He quickened the pace of his dancing ten-fold.

"AAAAHHHHH!" yelled the out of control Vegetable as he reached his limit. Bulma had had enough. She took the opportunity to give him a fucking punch to the face. Immediately, Vegeta collapsed, knocked unconscious, and Bulma could finally rest with peace and quiet again. She planned to tell Goku about Vegeta in the morning.


	2. Missing You

Me: I copied the whole thing to google translate to Russia, then I translated the Russian text back to English. I just added the stuff that sounded funny in the translation to my story, so it should still make _some_ sense. I might do it for other chapters too, since it's pretty fun. XD

Early in the morning, when the sun was just rising and the birds filled the air, Goku has grown out of bed and yawns. He smiled to himself and looked at the still sleeping wife, whose back was to him. ChiChi had died in her sleep last night, but that's not important. What's important is that the chances of Vegeta getting with Goku have raised now, so screw her!

Goku shook the arm of a dead wife. "Chichi..." he whispered lovingly to her corpse, "time to wake up and get in the kitchen~" When she didn't respond, the hungry Saiyan frowned, disappointed, knowing he'd have to wait before he gets to eat. Of course, we know that will never happen.

He got up and walked to the kitchen without a shirt. There, his son Gohan was hanging around and lazing about.

"Hey, son!" father greeted son.

"Hi, Dad," son greeted Son. Nothing happened for a while. Gohan then looked at the floor.

"Your chest looks really nice today, dad," while praising Gohan blushed. It took alot of balls to say that to his father. Goku simply nodded.

"I know, son," he replied ungrateful, smiling. Gohan immediately wished he'd just kept his trap shut.

"What's up, guys!" a voice belonging to neither Gohan or Goku said. Goku was caught off guard and looked around quickly, while Gohan casually replied, "Hay, Krillin." The shirtless Saiyan whirled around and saw Krillin_ right there _standing upright to his full height in his kitchen. He was staring up at him with an annoyed expression. "Wow Krillin, where'd _you _come from!"

"I was here the whole time..." reported a put off Krillin. Today was just one of those days.

The three decided to go out and have some fun sparring. Gohan tried to hit Krillin, but Krillin always evaded his attacks and was more interested in the pursuit of Goku. Him and Krillin seemed to be the only ones sparring while Gohan was left out, or deleted. Finally, bored, the young Saiyan boy surrendered and just stared at the clouds all day while standing nearby.

Krillin and Goku saw him not looking and seized this opportunity. Goku pushed Krillin down onto the grass, got ontop of him and made out with him. They were confident they could do this without Gohan knowing, until Krillin complained loudly. "Goku, you're crushing me!" Goku peered at his son, still Gohan didn't turn his head, thinking they were sparring when he said that. Then when the beautiful bird flew a little close to the pair, distracted, Gohan's eyes followed the bird. That's when he witnessed _it_. The sight was so traumatic that it gave him cancer and he died right there and then. Goku and Krillin continued to kiss knowing Gohan was finally gone forever.

"Mmph, Krillin, we've been best friends for so _long_! I always wanted to do this..."

"Heh, me too," Krillin said attempting to sound sexy.

"Look, just don't talk anymore," Goku told him not wanting to hear his annoying voice.

After a while it began to rain outside and the rumble of thunder was heard in the distance. The two childhood friends got up and rushed back into the house, Piccolo hurrying inside after them. When the door shut, there were three men in the house.

"Ugh, I haven't eaten all day!" Goku remembered, his stomach growling. "Me neither," said Krillin. "Me _threether_," said the Namekien."Cause, you know, I just survive on water."

"Oh my god Piccolo, _no one fucking gives a shit_!" Goku and Krillin yelled in frustration and hunger. And it was true. No one cared that they had a special sense of hearing, no one cared that their appearances were just one sex, no one cared whether they had a penis or not, but nobody gave a _shit_ that Namekiens survived on water. It was all to draw attention.

"Well you _will _care in a moment," Piccolo assured them, "because I know how to cook!" Goku and Krillin could not believe he was still talking. "That's right," he told them. "And if you want to eat, I suggest you shut up and stay out the hell out of my way!" It was settled. Goku and Krillin would stay out of the kitchen while Piccolo put his green hands to good use.

Piccolo opened the fridge and spotted a few eggs. He took them and decided to make scrammed eggs. Over the frying pan, he cracked not one, not two, but _a few _eggs and cooked them to perfection. When they were finished, he called to the two.

Goku, sitting down, sighed and rubbed his forehead. It wasn't always like this. On an average morning, ChiChi stood up, got into the kitchen and made him a sandwich. Now the situation has changed for the worse. Just how long did she plan on sleeping anyways? He wasn't sure what to make of this, having his rival/friend cook for him in place of his wife. Goku stopped. Did this mean Piccolo was to be his new wife from now on?

"Hey, did you even hear Piccolo calling us?" Krillin's voice hit him like water on rock. "Uh...Goku?..." Goku didn't feel good. He was getting dizzy. As he stood up, he wobbled a bit, then fainted, his hunger besting him. His bones made a loud crack upon impact to the floor.

"Oh shit, GOKU!"


	3. Pride, Sex, and Angst

Me: It's official. I'll use google translate when I need a retarded simile or something. Oh and from what I_ think _I know about crackfics, they're supposed to be random and not have plots, but this fic kind of develops a plot, so maybe it's not a crackfic anymore. 8D I don't know. All I know is I'm having too much fun writing this. By the way, I haven't seen Vegeta's room yet, but I have read fanfics about it, so I'll probably mess up on where stuff is placed in there. ^^;

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><p>Bulma Bitch Briefs was tired of it! She was serious about wanting a divorce, and Vegeta had just brushed it off when she let him know she was sick of him, talking even more about his precious <em>Kakkarot<em>. He was arrogant, selfish, had no manners, thought too highly of himself and had a fit every time he didn't get his way, like a pre-Madonna, or however you spell the term. She thought back to the day they did it for the first time, and probably the last time too.

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><p><em>"So you're the Prince of all sayings, huh?" <em>

_Her attempt to joke with the high and mighty Vegeta caused him to grunt disgustedly in response. It was evening, the sun was setting outside, Bulma and him were near the door to his room, and Goku was _still hiding from his wife on Yard Rat.

_"Don't you ever get, like, lonely, vagina?" She asked. _

_The word caught his attention and he looked at her, surpised at being called a female's body part, then glared at her with all the hate and loneliness he felt. _

_"It's_ Vegeta_, you vile woman," he corrected angrily. "I'm going to my chambers now to take a nap and be alone. You are not allowed to bother me." He placed a (g)loveless hand on his door knob (his gloves and armor were in the wash machine) and turned it, opening the door, but didn't walk in just yet. "By the way, just when will my armor be done with getting a wash?" He asked not looking at her but at his lonely bed. Bloomers smiled at this. _

_"Oh, all in due time,_ Prince_," she answered in a false tone. Sad for _him_, she planned on keeping his armor for a very long time, getting satisfaction in seeing him walk around in that pink shirt that was made for women and a variety of flowers. She looked him up and down, licking her lips, then left and right, wondering how he would be in bed._

_SLAM!_

_It was 7 o' clock on the dot, and Bulma decided to wait an hour to see if he was awake by then so she could get into his yellow pants. For a full hour, instead of doing anything useful, she pretty much just goofed around. Then midnight...I mean 8 o' clock... midnight came and Bulma put some unimportant stuff into a black bag, and approached the Prince of all two Saiyans' door. She knocked three times, thrice, and called to him. "Vegeta! Do you want some candy!" No comment. She opened the door and what she saw made her heart melt. _

_He was still sleeping. _Oh how cute_, she thought. _And he said just a little nap. _Shutting the door behind her as she made her way to him, she dropped her bag and pulled out the contents. First was some very strong rope, which she used to tie Vegeta down to his bed. Then a whip, a spoon, and a chainsaw. She turned the chainsaw on, waking Vegeta up. He was immediately alarmed at seeing her in his room. _

_"What...woman!" he demanded an explanation. Next she took out a gag, not wanting to hear him complain. A quiet Vegeta was a good Vegeta in her book. Lastly she took out a sharpie, using it to write bitchman on his shirt for the lulz. _

_"Now I know this is your first time," she let him know after stripping from her normal clothes and revealing her dominatrix suit, "but don't expect too much. I wouldn't want you to be disappoint when it doesn't turn out like you wanted it to." _

_Vegeta stared in horror. "Mmphffrmrmphrrmfmfffmm!"_

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><p>And that's why Vegeta treats Trunks the way he does. So Bulma decided they were going to get divorced today, then she'd go out and get a slushie plus a new bathensuit to replace her old two-piece black one that got lost. Also she'd remember to tell Goku to rape him.<p>

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><p>Vegeta was still lying face down on the floor looking wasted. He slowly stirred, alcohol not being what he tasted. Last night's events flooded into his mind, reminding him of humiliation and tarnished pride. The Saiyan Prince uttered a weak uke groan, then, turning his head toward the window, he saw that outside it was rainy, dark and depressing. It gave this chapter a depressing impression. He would have went into the Gravity Room to train, but he didn't want to run into that...<em>bitch <em>on the way. That would just further ruin his mood, make him suicidal. The sad small man picked himself up, and considered reading the Bible. (Alright I'm done with the rhymes xD)

Whenever he was really down in the dumps like this, there was always one thing he turned to: _cross dressing_, the only thing he was good at doing. And for your information, he crossdresses _plenty_ of times in the show, only off screen so kids won't be scarred for life. He reached underneath his bed and pulled out a two-piece black bathensuit. Once in the (might I add) _hawt_ outfit, Vegeta felt much better about himself, closing his eyes and letting out a content sigh. In a better mood, he turned on the Dance Dance Revolution machine that he had in his room the whole time. Bulma had gotten it to keep him distracted while she repaired the Gravity Room several/seven times.

He felt like playing that Caramelldansen song today. Only today, he was actually going to do the Caramell dance _while_ hitting the steps to the song at the same time_._ Fingers shaking and legs quaking, he selected the song, setting it to 9001x speed, and got into position on the dance mat, professionally placing his hands ontop of his head to resemble bunny ears. This would prove to be the biggest challenge of his life.

Two minutes into the song, it was clear that he was shit at DDR. It mattered not that the song was at an unplayable speed, or that he was dancing while DDRing, _he still sucked damn!_

"No, this can't be!" He stared in disbelief at his ranking as the machine glitched out and gave him an F instead of the E, because yes, he was that bad. He would not let himself cry, so instead, he reduced the machine to rubble with a blast like the sore loser he was.

Outside his door, he could hear some shuffling. He hid under the bed, not quite prepared to deal with her yet, also because he was still in her swimsuit. When she came in, he heard a loud, high pitched scream. Next he heard his window crack and break, then he heard the rain on the street.

"You fucking bastard!" Bulma yelled to the empty room. "What do you think I _got_ that for, so you could just take your frustrations out and test your strength on it? It was supposed to be used for _playing games _you._.__.._.**.**_**.**_**.**_**.**_ugh! You dumbass!" She started sounding like a witch, and Vegeta knew it was possible that she could be one. She spoke again.

"Oh, nevermind, jerk! I came here to tell you it's over. We're getting a divorce!" She stayed in the room to see if he had anything to say about it, but he stayed silent, confused. _We weren't even married in the _first_ place! _he realized. _We just had a kid, and lived together, that's all. I recall no marriage ceremony! _Looks like it was up to him to make that clear.

"What nonsense do you speak of woman?"

The witch's feet appeared in his line of vision, followed by her face as she bent down to see him. Her mouth was agape. Vegeta froze and regretted yelling out to her.

"Woowww," she stated flatly. "You always find some way to surprise me Vegeta, and by _surprise_ I don't mean impress. Now _get out from under there_!" She grabbed his troll hair threateningly, but he pried her hands off and got out from the other side of the bed.

"Tell me something, Vegeta. Do you really think you look all that great in that bathensuit?" her icy words struck him. Vegeta visibly flinched, knowing what was to come next.

"Because you _don't_," she finished coldly, "and you _never will_." Vegeta returned her glare, remembering _this_ was the person who was the cause of his pain and suffering. _This_ was the person he had to kill. But he remembered something important.

"By saying we're getting a divorce, woman," he started, "you imply that we were once married!" Bulma rolled her eyes. He then shouted, "But we were never married to begin with!"

That earned him a flick to the forehead. "I know_ that_, idiot," she revealed. "Why would I ever marry you? By divorce, I mean we're not going to be living together anymore. At least, not in the same house together." Vegeta couldn't believe it. She was going to move out and let him have the place all to himself! "Hah! Good riddance, woman!" he laughed at her. "I shall never have to see your face again!"

In a plot twist no one saw coming, she replied with, "Good riddance to you too, Vegeta. I'm kicking you out!" Then she literally kicked him out, out of the window that is, into the cold, unforgiving rain.

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><p>Me: Oh I almost forgot, LEAVE ME LIKE A BAJILLION REVIEWS! REVIEW!1 NOW, OR I'll DO SOMETHING DRASTIC LIKE...NOT CONTINUE...OR KILL SOMEBODY (just kidding)<p> 


	4. Love Me For Who I Am

Me: Well, here's the last chapter! I wasn't sure how long I wanted this to be, but I wasn't expecting to end it after only four chapters! ;_; I feel sad ending this. I lost inspiration, probably because I haven't been reading much Goku/Vegeta fics lately. Oh well, I guess I can always write a new fic.

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><p>Goku's body had been forced to sit in a chair, slumped a bit. He was still unconscious.<p>

Krillin sat at the table eating the eggs while talking to Piccolo. "Yeah so," he said with his mouth full, "just went up and fainted! He must've been real hungry." Krillin continued to chew with his mouth open, every now and then a chunk of food dropping from his mouth only to be eaten again.

Piccolo slammed his hand on the table causing some dishes to jump. "Krillin!" he said, scaring the little guy. "Do you know what this means? Goku's unconscious...meaning...we can do whatever we want with his body!"

Krillin stared at him blankly. "What does that mean?"

"Are you that stupid, Krillin? I'm talking rape here! Rape! Goku! You understand?" He starting shaking the table.

The bald monk couldn't help but stare at Piccolo in disbelief, and was like, "Are you for real?" If he planned on raping Goku, then that meant Piccolo must have a penis. But that couldn't be true..._could it?_

Piccolo burst out laughing. "I was just playing, nigga!" he joked. Krillin was pissed, and ate the rest of his meal in silence. Piccolo drummed his fingers on the table, bored. "So, I guess we should wake him up?"

Krillin stood up and brought his dishes to the sink, not talking.

"Wow, you're just gonna ignore me?" asked Piccolo, annoyed with his attitude. Krillin headed to some other room to get away from the Namekian. (A/N: I'm not too familar with the structure of ChiChi's house ^^;) That's when Goku started to move a bit, and opened his eyes. Piccolo saw the whole thing happen.

"Goku's awake now!" Piccolo called to Krillin, seeing him still walking away. Krillin gave Piccolo the bird as he kept on walking. Piccolo looked over to Goku, who looked back to him with a hungry look in his eyes. Before Piccolo could even blink, Goku was right there in front of him. He grabbed hold of Piccolo's arm. "Dammit, Goku, that really hurts!" Piccolo complained. "What the-AHHHHHHH!"

Goku ripped off Piccolo's arm violently, and ate it. The green skin tasted of lettuce, and the purple blood inside tasted of eggplant.

"You taste good, Piccolo," Goku complimented, "but I still need more!" He ripped off his other arm, munching on that one as well. Piccolo was in alot of pain, but managed to renegerate both his arms.

He backed away all panicky, and yelled to Krillin, "Hey, a little help here!" which earned him the response, "Go fuck yourself, Piccolo!"

Goku jumped Piccolo, ready for some more organic food. He chomped both arms again, and again, and when Piccolo didn't have enough energy to regenerate anymore, Goku ended up eating him alive. It was crazy. Krillin decided to come back in just then, looking guilty.

"Hey Piccolo, I'm sorry about-Huh? Where's Piccolo?" Krillin questioned. He saw how Goku grinned sinister and mastermind evil, and the answer was written all over his face, in purple.

Krillin gasped. This was not the Goku he knew! "W-who are you!" he asked dramatically, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Goku chuckled. "Heheh," he simply said. That's when Krillin realized it: this couldn't be Goku, this was Kakkarot!

Krillin looked at him in all his evil glory. Kakkarot turned around and made his way out of the room.

"Wait, Kakkarot! Where are you going!" Krillin demanded to know. Kakkarot answered, "I'm going to take a shower."

"Oh...but wait! It's still raining outside!" he reminded him. "You could take a shower out there instead! Eh heh..." Krillin laughed nervously, trying to be his friend. Kakkarot left him.

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><p>Bulma was feeling good as she sipped her red slushie while strolling along the wet sidewalk. People were giving her weird and perverted glances, but they didn't bother her in the slightest. She loved being the center of attention. Soon a crowd had formed and surrounded her, staring intently at her. She smiled and decided to entertain them for a bit.<p>

"Look everyone!" Bulma announced. "I'm _Vegeta!_" She then mocked the Prince by prancing around in circles, imitating a monkey. "Hoo ooh ah ah!"

The people laughed, cheered, and clapped altogether, delighted with her performance. After signing out a few autographs, her fans allowed her to walk again.

She threw her cup to the ground when she was finished with it. She couldn't remember for the life of her where she had gotten that bathensuit from.

Up ahead, a guy was walking quickly, obviously wanting to get home because of the rain. She stepped in front of him, arms spread out, blocking his way. "Excuse me, sir," she began, "Do you think you could help me out with something?" The man glared at her.

"Outta th' way, ya dumb bitch!" he jeered, but Bulma stood her ground.

"Now see here!" she says. "You're gonna help me whether you like it or not!" The man pushed her away without much effort.

This offended her. "Jerk!" she piped.

"Ehh, jus' go kill yerself!" he yelled, and briskly walked away.

Bulma stayed standing there, thinking. And thinking. And sulking. _What was his problem?_ She must have stood there for hours, because just then a house dropped from the sky and landed on her.

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><p>"Feh! I'm bored!" King Kai declared loudly. With nothing to do, he proceeded to spy on Kakkarot taking a shower.<p>

"Ohoho! He has more muscle now then the last time I saw him!" He stayed watching. Kakkarot just knew he was spying on him, and was peeved by this.

_King Kai, you pervert!_ the Saiyan telepathically communicated. _I already told you, the Namek saga's over! How many times do I have to tell you until you listen? Why the hell are you still spying on me!_ He promptly got out of the shower and got dressed. _Hold on, Goku, I_- King Kai blabbed hastily, but it was too late.

_I don't want to hear from you ever again!_

King Kai sighed. If the Saiyan didn't want him to spy, he had to obey his wishes. This he did, not sure if Kakkarot would ever want him back now. This had to be the worst break-up he's ever been through.

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><p>Vegeta flew over the city, shivering as the icy rain hit him, pitter patter pitter patter. If he stayed out any longer, he would surely die just like Bulma had. What was he going to do? He flew some more and spotted a cave.<p>

He wooshed to the cave and made himself a home there, talking with the inhabitants, and making new friends. One of his friends was Stan the stalagmite. He was usually fun to be around, except when he was arguing with his dad, Stan the stalactite. Right now they were arguing, so Vegeta went to some other area of the cave and trained by himself.

A bat was watching him throw punches and kicks to the air. It flew down to Vegeta. "What are you doing?" it asked.

"Training," Vegeta responded, not missing a beat as he continued to punch and kick.

"Training?" the bat asked, sounding like it was a new alien word. "You can call this training, I'll call it stupid, 'cause that's what it makes you look like. Stupid." Vegeta frowned, still throwing punches and kicks. This bat was starting to sound like Bulma, and it was getting on his nerves. He wished the pest would just go away. "Shoo fly, don't bother me."

It went silent for a while, studying Vegeta's movements. Then it exclaimed, "It looks like you're doing the same thing over and over again!"

Vegeta growled and shot an energy blast near the bat. "There, some variation for you." He smirked, but that smirk quickly faded. The bat was all up in his face now.

"You know what? I think that you're a girl who's constantly on her period, and you give people headaches by acting like a brat. You're fucking gay! And stupid!"

Vegeta stared open-mouthed, stunned, as the bat flew away. Soon he had lost his cool, and started shooting energy blasts everywhere. Then he heard laughing, followed by, "You missed!"

"Aaargh!" Vegeta yelled in frustration. He was frustrated, and tired. That bat had put a damper on his day. He laid on the ground and curled up into a ball, feeling weak and helpless.

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><p>"Vegeta's power level is dropping fast!" Kakkarot blurted out.<p>

"Oh no!" Krillin faked that he was worried. "I feel so bad for him!"

"I have to see what's wrong with him!" Carrot said determined. "No, Kakkarot!" Krillin tried to make him reconsider. "This is Vegeta we're talking about, remember? You know; the guy who deserves to be castrated, brutally raped and murdered, in that order?" Kakkarot Instant Transmissioned to Vegeta anyway.

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><p>So cold... Vegeta shivered. So dark... He rolled onto his back, the rocky surface scraping his skin. It had been a long time since Vegeta had laid down, yet he still hadn't fallen asleep. It was just too cold. He felt something tickle his foot, so he looked down. It was a spider.<p>

"_OH SHI-_" Jumping to his feet to get it off of him, Vegeta fled to the cave's entrance. The rain had stopped but it was still cold, and nightime.

Oh this just great, he thought bitterly. Now I can't sleep because of that stupid spider! Today had been such a miserable day for the Saiyan Prince. Vegeta looked down to his bathensuit, remembering what Bulma had said about it. _"Do you really think you look all that great in that bathensuit? Huh, Vegeta?"_ He wasn't able to hold it in anymore. He burst into tears.

In between wretched sobs, he cried out, "I do not care what you say! I am beautiful!" He sobbed some more, in a broken voice, and looked up into the night sky. "Do you hear that, woman! I am beautiful! You don't faze me!"

Vegeta couldn't see it, but behind the clouds, there was a full moon out. Yes, the moon was destroyed at the beginning of DBZ, but it was there anyways.

Kakkarot appeared behind the Prince, making a teleporting noise and startling him. Vegeta turned around. "K-Kakkarot why the hell are you here!" he yelled, clutching his own scantily clad body. "To save you," came the reply. Kakkarot took a small step towards Vegeta, breathing like a sexual predator. Vegeta backed away. "S-save me from what!" he retorted.

"_From yourself_." Kakkarot broke into a run and sprinted over to Vegeta and grabbed him. He spake into his ear, "I don't know why, but I feel strange tonight. I can't control myself. I might even rape you."

Now Vegeta was scared. Without any warning, Kakkarot bit down on his neck. "Owie!" Vegeta squibbled in pain, breaking out of his hold. Kakkarot smirked.

Vegeta gasped. This was not the Kakkarot he knew! "W-who are you!" he asked dramatically, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Kakkarot chuckled. "Heheh," he simply said. That's when Vegeta realized it. This couldn't be Kakkarot; this was Dracula Kakkarot!

Dracula Kakkarot shot a laviscious look at him, licking the blood off his lips. Vegeta instantly knew then that it was time to haul ass out of there. He quickly took to the skies, flying away, but Dracula Kakkarot appeared in front of him. He grabbed Vegeta again. The Prince was claimed as his mate.

"MIIIIIIINES!" Dracula Kakkarot yelled possesively, baring his fangs. Horrified, Vegeta screamed for help, but no one came. They were in the sky for Pete's/God's/Kami's/Dende's sake. Even if someone could hear him, it's not like they could just sprout wings and fly. My point is that Vegeta sucks.

"Let me go, you fool!" Vegeta demanded.

"NEVER!"

And they both vanished from the sky.

* * *

><p>When the two Saiyans appeared back at ChiChi's kitchen, they found Krillin dancing to Lady Gaga on the radio. Vegeta covered his ears, screaming in pain. Goku glared at the radio, then at Krillin.<p>

"Turn that shit off!" he commanded. Krillin whined sadly and reluctantly turned the radio off. Vegeta heaved a sigh of relief, uncovering his ears, but Goku was still glaring at Krillin.

"What's wrong with you!" his voice boomed down on him. Krillin twiddled his thumbs.

"W-well I was just," he stammered, then getting distracted by Vegeta's bathensuit, "Hey!" he pointed. "Isn't that Bulma's-" Krillin was suddenly cut short, because he got sent flying through the roof by Goku's Kamehamehamehamehamehameha. "AHHHHHHHHH!"

"He shouldn't have had it turned all the way up," Goku said. "That music was loud enough to wake the dead!"

And speak of the devil; standing in the doorway was Chichi, with a crazed look in her eyes. Her eyes darted to Vegeta, then Goku, then she lost it and lunged for her husband.

"GOKUUUUUU," she cried, charging towards him. Goku easily dodged her by twirling around in a dancing fashion like Micheal Jackson. When Chichi realized that she had grabbed Vegeta instead, she immediately released him, horrified that she had touched a cross-dresser. She turned to Goku, all teary-eyed.

"Why, Goku, why? I thought you loved me!" she sobbed. Goku rubbed the back of his head apologetically.

"Well, I don't," he said lamely. Chichi sniffled at hearing this.

Vegeta shuffled his feet, not knowing what to do. Then again, it's not like Vegeta ever knows what to do. Goku went over to his side, holding him close and nodding slowly at Chichi, like he was saying, 'Yeah that's right bitch, he's mine'.

"So...this means..." she said softly sounding a little angry. "This means, that my husband...he's lesbian!" she wailed.

"Yes Chichi, I am lesbian," he confirmed. "I'm sorry to disappoint you."

Chichi hyperventilated. How could it end like this! The Saiyans cautiously glanced at her, anticipating what her next move might be. She exploded.

With her out of the way, Vegeta looked up to Goku.

"Aishiteru, Kakkaroto," he said, speaking in his native Saiyajinonese language.

Poof!

Vegeta wasn't sure what had just happened. By the way Vegeta sucks!

"Congratulations, Vegeta!" Goku chirped cheerful and happy. "You just said the magic words. Now our tails have grown back!" Vegeta's mind was blown.

The two heard a groan and saw Krillin coming back, somehow managing to survive Goku's Kamewoah. "Ugh...hey guys...what'd I miss..." he greeted, then being the slowpoke that he was, "Hey! Your tails have grown back!"

Goku laughed heartily. Vegeta took a seat and sat down.

"Gather 'roud, ya'll," he said, getting a banjo out of nowhere and strumming a few strings. Goku and Krillin sat near him eagerly.

"Oh boy!" Krillin exclaimed, "I love story time!"

Vegeta chuckled. "Eheh, this ain't no ordinary story, kiddo," he explained.

Strum...

"It's the history of Saiyans," he said seriously, losing the accent and the banjo. "You'll find this interesting, Kakkarot, as you yourself are a Saiyan, and should therefore care about the history of your race."

"Whatever," Goku replied.

"Us Saiyans fight constantly to get stronger. Fight fight fight. In DBZ, the full moon gives Saiyans the ability to turn into a bigass ape. In fanfction, the full moon causes Saiyans to claim their mate in the mating season. A ritual, if you will."

Goku was confused. "Huh?"

"Isn't that your reason for biting me earlier, Kakkarot?"

"No," Goku answered like he was stating the obvious, "I just did that 'cause I was bored."

"No you didn't! You did that because of the moon!" Vegeta was so sure of himself.

Goku threw his arms up. "Ugh! Does everything I do have to be for a reason!"

"Hold on here," Krillin interrupted. "You're saying Goku claimed you? That you're mates now? What the frig?"

Vegeta explained it to him. "It isn't as odd as you think it is. On Planet Vegeta, having same-sex mates wasn't uncommon. In fact, it's even possible for male Saiyans to get pregnant!"

"Okay, now that's just bullshit!" Krillin accused.

"But it's truuuuuueeeeeeee!" Vegeta cried, desperate. But Krillin wouldn't believe him.

* * *

><p>Later that night when Krillin had said his goodbyes and left, Goku swept Vegeta off his feet and carried him to the bedroom.<p>

"My prince!" Vegeta giggled, wrapping his arms around the back of Goku's neck. He was thrown to the bed as Goku stripped.

"I'll make this the best night ever for you, Vegeta," Goku promised, smiling.

"Kakkarot, please be gentle with me," Vegeta requested. "If you're rough with me, I'll start crying because I'll remember that time when Frieza raped me."

Goku's eyes widened. "You were raped? Vegeta, I am so sorry!"

"It's alright," he assured him. "At least he only raped me once, but Zarbon raped me twice."

Goku trembled, the fear evident in his voice. "I dare ask, Vegeta, just how many people raped you?"

"Well let's see," he replied, counting his fingers. "Frieza, Zarbon, the Ginyu Force, your son Gohan, Bulma...that bitch...my father, my Super Saiyan self, and Trunks. That's twelve."

Goku smirked deviously. "Well, get ready to make that thirteen," he said.

"Kakkarot, please! No!"

"Kidding!" Goku teased. Vegeta waved a hand gayly at him, smiling all the while. "Oh you!"

So after that night, Vegeta and Goku eventually got married, and many years passed as they celebrated their love. 2012 came and went. They were getting quite old, and their hair turned gray. Finally, Vegeta was the first one to croak, Goku following soon after. They traveled to King Kai's and made his life a living hell.

"Get off my planet!" he would scream at the two.

FIN


End file.
